Embracing Haman
A Journey to the Heart of Darkness

It’s Purim night and we assemble for the reading of the Ester Megilah. I stand among friends, acquaintances and strangers, all in amazing costumes and masks, greeting them while having a drink. It is the one day in the year when I’m allowed to get drunk – a Mitzvah in fact, or in the words of the Wise ones: “Until one does not know between damn Haman and blessed Mordechai”. We finish our welcome drinks and the Megilah reading commences.

“And that happened in the days of Achashverosh, king from India to Koosh, seven and twenty and one hundred countries….”

It is told in the Gmara “A person is a small world”. We all have one hundred and twenty seven countries within us, some of us perhaps more. And we all want to be kings of those different parts within us, finding the way to live in peace with each and every part, living life in harmony.

I see the Rabbi stands before us, reading in his deep and clear voice with Ta’amei Hamikra, taking us to the sacred areas of the secrets within. The ancient Holly Toungue (which Hebrew originated from) - words that withstood the sifting of time – the cruelest of all critics - fall on my ears like soothing water, making their way to my inner self, my soul. I feel like I’m on a ship cruising the deep ocean on it’s way to a tropical island, with a knowledgeable trustable captain on the helm.

…”There was a Jew in Shushan the capital, his name Mordechai son of Yair son of Shimey son of Kish from the Yemini (tribe)."

Enters Mordechai - the symbol of Good within us, introduced here with his roots. And what roots! Solid like of a tree, drinking from deep, pure and clear water. We stop, drink and welcome Mordechai for joining us, singing and playing music, music and words thankful for who and what we are, for celebrating among friends in our land, our place, our time. For finding and knowing the Mordechai within us, the Good within us …

“… And the king loved Ester more than all women…”

Enter Ester, following Mordechai’s footsteps. The hall is packed. Everyone is mesmerized to the Rabbi, who although had few drinks himself continues to guide us on this enchanted journey. We are introduced to Ester, the feminine energy in this magical story and stop to welcome her. Will there be unification with the Good or the Evil within us?

Suddenly, two of the Kings' men are hanged…
Enters Haman - the symbol of Evil in the Megilah... The reading comes to a halt. The audience yells and shouts as if trying to chase Evil away, to scare him off.

Let’s look at the idea of Evil.
Evil is not merely the wish to lie, harm, steal etc. in every day’s life. Most of us are hopefully beyond that, living in society with moral rules and values that protects us from being subject to evildoings or from inflicting evildoings upon others.

Evil is different. It is the sum of the negative feelings and energy within us, which if not dealt with properly will result in distancing us from our own true self and from society.

Evil is Guilt; Sadness; Depression; Jealousy; Low self-esteem; Cynicism; Gossiping; Anger, Pride. It is what’s behind that lack of willingness to get out of bed in the morning, behind those painful words said to a colleague at noontime, behind that headache in the evening. Evil is the pain in my heart at night...

We pause with the readings and have some more food and drinks…
Surprisingly, those who were strangers before are strangers no more. We joke and eat together, drink together. We unite. No hard feelings, no guilt, no sadness on the surface. No Evil. Since evil, as mentioned before, is all those feeling which distance us. From each other. From our own self.

Rabbi Cook in his book “The lights of Holiness” (Orot Hakodesh) writes about Evil and unity:
“When a person sins he is in “Alma Depiruda” (Aramaic) and then every detail stands alone."

The word “Sin” in Hebrew is pronounce “Chet” whuch shares a root with "Missing the Target”. Here, in these wonderful lines by Rabbi Cook the secret is revealed: The Sin results in “Alma Depiruda” – the World of Separation. The good and the bad depart in our soul – and stay separated. We miss the target – a unified self!

Rabbi Cook continues:
…“Then the Evil is Evil for itself, engulfing a bad and harming value within”
What a mesmeraizing description! Evil stays Evil only when it is separated from the good parts of our self!

…And back to the Megilah:

"…And all the kings slaves bend and bow to Haman…”

At times when slavery in the Near East (Turkey and Greece) was a fact throughout history, the biblical law insisted upon the release of slaves every seven years. Still, many chose slavery out of their own free will. Once a slave made such choice, his ear were marked with a wooden ring, symbolizing the loss of honor for that person.

And today, all those who prefer to do what they are told instead of thinking and finding themselves what is good for them, are the contemporary followers of those slaves-out-of-choice. Only when one is as close to his self as one can be, embracing all parts of his soul in a unifying manner, one can make the right choice for him without “slavery”.

We continue to read. ….”Hamaaaaaaan”.
Here we meet again. And… did the nature of the shouting changed a bit? Are these still shouts of disagreement, or have they changed, bearing a slightly different nature? Do we still negate Haman, trying to chase him off with our loud voices, music and shouts?

To negate Haman, is to negate the Evil within us. This is what we do all year long. We try to put aside the feeling of sadness, to forget our anger, to overcome our depression, to conquer our low self-esteem. We pack them all in a see-proof, listen-proof, feel-proof bag, and put them on a shelf deep in our subconscious.

Until Purim comes…
Few more drinks. Am I smiling most of the time?

"…. And Haman said to King Achashverosh: There is one nation and that nation is separated and scattered among all nations..."

“Haman…. Haman…. Haman…”
The roof of the hall seems to blow off. The electric guitar goes higher… louder… drums… yelling… shouts. I hear a voice, loud and clear: “Haman, Amen, Amen, Haman. The voice dounds familiar...Is it my voice? Saying Amen to the Haman within me, welcoming him like when meeting an old friend?

No doubt… I have arrived!
Arrived at the phase “When one does not know between damn Haman and Amen Mordechai”.

I stop drinking now, knowing it is time for the spiritual work the holiday of Purim engulfs within. The spiritual work I have been preparing myself throughout the month and the year before.

“…But when the person returns with love, the light of being in Alma Deyichuda shines on him immediately… “ Continues Rabbi Cook.

To return with love! To return with love, through the good parts of the soul, with Mordechai and Ester holding my hand, guiding me, to the dark areas of my self. To be the reassuring knowledgeable captain of my own ship, navigating with certainty in the rough waters of sadness, of hatred, anger, guilt. To say Amen to each and every one of these feelings, embracing them, inviting them to join me in the dance of life. My life.

“…When all is unified, and in the general context there is no Evil at all, since Evil joins the Good, spicing it, enforcing it’s luxurious value, and the wrongdoings are becoming real values…” (Rabbi Cook)“

Arriving at a phase when "one does not know between Damn Haman and Amen Mordechai” is not only how much to drink but also knowing when to stop – in the one day in the year when this heavy drinking is a must - executed in a holly way!…

I remember the rest of the Megillah reading as background humming. I was surrounded by friends who joined me on my own ship, cruising the white and dark waters of my soul.

I lost my mobile phone that night and broke my glasses. But the visions I saw – for those my glasses were not needed. And the inner words I’ve heard and yelled and cried that night– no cell phone ever played it in my ears, nor will.

I have taken the mask off my face, looking inside it, embracing Haman while Ester and Mordechai were smiling, reassuring beside me. They all face each other now, know each other, living in harmony with all the one hundred and twenty seven countries of my soul.

Good and Evil. Unified. One.

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With deep thanks to Rabbi Mordechai Gafni and Rabbi Avraham Leeder.

All Rights Reserved © Micha Kovler - micha@kabala.org 2004 - 2005